Long Term Valentine

Today there will be roses, chocolates, pink and red themed decorations, and statuses that say Happy Valentine's Day! For some, however, it may be an unhappy Valentine's Day. LB News Today wants to acknowledge single people who aren't just looking for dinner and a movie, but a long term valentine. For those already in a relationship, there's useful information for you too.

"Heart Locked Down" Artist: India Burgess

Most people want to have a significant other who finds them equally significant, but jumping into a relationship isn't the answer. Despite the popular thought that having a happily ever after can come instantly, relationship coaches, therapists, and psychologists beg to differ. Even couples who have been dating for years can testify to being fooled by the glamor because behind the scenes, relationships take a lot of work.

I interviewed a few specialists in the Westchester, NY area to understand common reasons for why so many relationships tend to fail, along with their best advice for singles and couples who want something that lasts. Dr. Paul Greene, for instance, is a Psychologist and PhD who specializes in relationship issues and says there are a number of reasons for why relationships fail. Dr. Greene said that one reason is bad timing.

"Sometimes one person is ready, willing, and able, and the other isn’t," Greene said. "Good fortune is another reason. Some people should be avoided. Not everyone makes a good partner; some people just aren’t nice. Getting away from them is a blessing."

Dr. Greene also explains how expectations play a huge role in failed relationships.

"Another reason for failed relationships is false expectations for what they think they deserve for what they give. Unreasonable expectations lead to hurt, anger, and unhappy complications. Unfortunately, that can end otherwise good relationships. Some people just aren’t well suited for each other."

Dr. Greene also shares some advice about using prior relationships as guidelines to creating healthy relationships for the future. Instead of looking at exes as mistakes, people can use these experiences to make progress.

"The best question isn’t why relationships fail," Dr. Greene said. "The more helpful question is why don't new and better relationships follow?  My advice: learn from your past relationships, understand more about yourself and what is possible in the real world of relationships and try again."

He's not the only with advice about past relationships. Dr. Bob Sindoni has been in practice as a therapist for more than 20 years and specializes in anxiety, relationship issues, and sex therapy. One common issue that he addresses about young people is their lack of maturity.

"They think it’s all about sex and hooking up," Dr. Sindoni said. "It’s really age dependent. The younger they are the more it’s about fun and games, but younger people are bombarded with media and have too many choices. They date until something better comes along; they take it for granted and have no plans to make their current relationship a permanent one."

Many people who are already in a relationship find it challenging to approach their partner without creating a heated argument, but the approach is going to cause a domino effect, which can end well or on a sour note.

You don’t want your spouse on the defense end," Dr. Sindoni said. “Practice using I statements instead of you statements."

One example he gave is the difference between saying "You made me angry when you said blank" versus "I felt hurt when you said blank."

By using yourself, you are explaining the emotion you felt. Some couples really struggle with communication, which is why Dr. Sindoni recommends premarital counseling so that couples can come in and try to clarify their goals. He brings up two questions that should be in the back of your mind: What do we expect out of this? Are we on the same page together?

Ashley Fellows, clinical social worker and therapist, also discussed both parties being on the same page before getting into a relationship.  Intentions, if not established, can become problematic. She explained that trying to change someone isn't a good idea. She also explains how confidence and independence are important characteristics to have prior to the start of a relationship.

"I would advise you to first make sure you feel good about yourself and feel you have much to offer," Fellows said. "Your potential mate will love you more when you love yourself. Go out, have a good time or stay in and treat yourself to a movie marathon with your single friends. Surrounding yourself with other singles will lessen the blow. Who knows? Maybe you'll have a blast if you allow yourself to."

When asked about what advice she would give to couples to keep their relationship strong she said,"It's essential for healthy relationships to have effective communication. You want to be able to tell your partner why he or she is bothering you, without being passive aggressive or screaming about something small later. Also, appreciate one another. Your partner is likely your biggest fan. Sometimes we just need to be reminded of this."

Are you still hesitant about counseling? What are the benefits?

"I totally understand why it can be intimidating finding and going to see a therapist," Fellows said. "You don't know what to expect, or you are not accustomed to sharing your personal feelings. I find once people sit down and begin, these worries subside. A therapist can offer insights and be an objective listener. Everyone should try it once!"

If you want to get in touch with any of the counselors, here's how to reach them:

Dr. Paul Greene
68 Lambert Lane
New Rochelle, New York 10804
(914) 819-5520

Dr. Bob Sindoni
55 South Broadway
Third Floor
Tarrytown, New York 10591
(914) 631-7690

Ashley Fellows
1 Bridge St
Suite 24
Irvington, New York 10533
(646) 791-3875

Happy Valentine's Day!

~ Lindsay